Bridge of Lost Dreams
by L2SET
Summary: Eiri is the sun and he blinds all that is looking at him, and you have looked the longest. One-sided incest, suicide themes, drug abuse, slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Bridge of Lost Dreams**  
Chapter One  
20. December. 2010  
l2set

author's note: this is a reissue of a story that i wrote waaay back in 2005. isn't it fun to rediscover stories, read them and then actually be shocked by what the hell happened? well, while i fight with Exile, i will give this up for reading as well.

& this is not beta'd. all mistakes are my own.

enjoy.

* * *

I hit him hard enough for him bounce off the floor. The loud cracking sound of what I think is his skull plays throughout the house. It does not seem to stop, it just echoes from the wall to the floors and back again. I cannot bring myself to move towards him . . . there is blood leaking from his body. The red is a shock across my prestine white and grey floors. I avert my eyes.

"_Please_." That word attacks my soul and I move towards my broken lover. I cannot just let him be here, broken and bruised and bleeding. I sink to the floor and clutch Shuichi to my body; his blood pours over my limbs, my clothes. I notice that he smiles at me. I want to take that smile away, how can he smile at me when I have caused him so much harm?

"Sorry. Sorry, sorry," I start making it like a mantra. I must repent for my sins, the pain that I have caused him. I have to end it; I have to make it better. Things like my lover are too pure for creatures like me. He is too much in my world and I am a stain upon his. I have to end it. His eyes change, almost as if he knows what I am thinking about now.

I bring my lips to his and we kiss. I will miss this, the understanding between us, the way our bodies know what the other wants; he is resisting though, knowing knowing what I am thinking about doing now. I will miss him - I will miss us. I must do what is the best for him. For me. For this mixed up world that we belong too. That I belong too.

My left hand move to his neck, my right hand gently supporting his head. I don't want to hurt him anymore and I don't want to be hurt by him. It goes hand in hand with us though. We cannot have one without the other. I hurt with words and violence - He hurts with looks and total understanding. I wish he would let me be, let me wallow in my own pain without coming to terms with it.

I only wanted him to be angry with me. If he would be angry at me, then maybe, maybe I could save us. We could save each other . . . how could he have such fucking devotation to someone like me, someone so tainted such as myself?

I lay his head down on the floor and move my right hand to the otherside of his neck; I grip it tightly within my hands. I open my eyes to see him staring at me. He looks so frail, so afraid. I kiss his forehead. This is for the best. He _knows_ it. He _knows_ it. _He knows it_. He is merely unwilling to let go. Which is why I must do it for him. For me. For us. I will make this better. I will sever the ties.

"Don't cry. I have to end it," I whisper, pressing harder against his wind-pipe; the flesh is so soft, softer than I ever remember it being underneth my hands. I wish he would struggle, I wish he would be angry. Why must he be so willing for me? I continue to stare at him, he continues to cry. His eyes are so beautiful, his mouth shaped into a perfect temptation. Neither of us can ever win.

I push harder and hear him gasp and the delicate bones snap. I keep the pressure on his neck for a moment longer, just to make sure that it is complete. He tries so hard to breathe, so hard to get up. He seems so desperate to call to me. I merely shake my head, looking at him sadly. The light seems to be fading from his eyes, so soft, so swift. It has to be this way. We can no longer be as one. I need to be free. He needs to be free.

I stare at his limp body, his blood staining my kitchen floor. I engrave it in my memory, I need to remember what he looks like now not before, not when this version of him is so fucking gorgeous.

He looks so . . . unlike himself. For once he is still - not even in sickness is he ever still, now though, the last breath gone from his body, he is like a statue. I strain to make sure that he is quiet too, I almost miss the last sigh as his lungs shudder for air. It's nerve wrecking but I must remember all of this, I must remember him as he is, not as he was. His perfect body crumbled on my kitchen floor, blood spread around him like a halo. My bloody angel.

I grab the phone from the counter and call Tohma. Things will be righted by morning.

* * *

i couldn't help myself. i wanted to be evil. _there is more to come . . ._


	2. Chapter 2

**Bridge of Lost Dreams **  
Chapter Two  
23. December. 2010  
l2set

author's note: thanks for the feedback on the first chapter. i can't rightly remember if i ever even posted this story. and don't worry, all things will come to a head.

& not beta'd. all mistakes are my own.

* * *

"You did _what_?" I whisper harshly into the phone, not wanting to alert my colleagues... It's two in the afternoon and I'm fielding a call from a distraught Eiri. I slowly slip out of the office and make my way into my private bathroom. I wait for Eiri to respond, desperately hoping I misheard him.

_"He's dead. I killed him, Tohma. You have to help me."_ I can hear the fear and pleading in his voice. I resist the urge to sigh. I don't think Eiri even understands what he did.

He killed his lover. _My money-maker. _Someone's son, brother, friend. He killed an artist. Possibly a human being, but we all know in the back of our minds, in the places we refuse to acknowledge that Shuichi is something slightly more than a celestial being. An idol, an icon. Some strange creature without religion and yet a following more heavily than most.

We are one part removed and two parts moved. Maybe, maybe, _maybe _Shuichi isn't dead. Maybe Eiri is over reacting, over compensating for something he wished to have happened. Maybe my little money maker came into work today and K and Sakano and the others have him and Eiri merely forgot his medications and is hallucinating.

Maybe I have too much hope.

Maybe Eiri needs to jump off a building.

I can hear his steady breathing on the phone. He's waiting for a reply, patiently. He knows its a lot to absorb, he's done this once before only then I didn't have to explain the disappearance of a world renowned singer. A beloved world renowned singer. Eiri didn't kill his lover, I can't believe that.

Why can't I stop believing in my brother-in-law? Why can't I give up the notion that one day, one day he will be better and all things in the past will remain there? Why can I not stop believing that he isn't some kind of monster, some kind of evil being? I can't stop believing that Kitazawa was merely the straw that broke his back and he's healing now. But I know, and I have always known - Eiri was destined to be a killer.

So why do I trust him so? I'd give him the world, sell him my soul. Anything. Everything. And I have, a thousands times over. I see it in his face every time. I see it in his eyes. I trust him to the point of lunacy.

Shuichi had to know what Eiri is, so why did he give into him? Why would he ever let Eiri doing something as stupid as kill him? I know the boy has more energy and strength than he lets on, I doubt that he would just succumb to death's hand readily, even if they were Eiri's hands.

"All right, all right. Calm down, Eiri," I finally answer. He starts up again, raving about the situation. I resist the urge to snap at him, wanting him to know how pissed off I am feeling the more and more I think about the potential situation at hand. "I'll be over as soon as I can make it out of here. You interrupted my meeting."

He hangs up and I sigh. I have to do something about the mess regardless; he might have killed someone - that's no easy feat to cover up but if it's not Shuichi, then it is fixable. I have to make sure that Eiri is mistaken, that maybe he just killed a look-a-like whore in a drunken rage. I can hide a whore, but I can't hide the murder of Shindou Shuichi. Not even I can perform that miracle.

I make a call to the downstairs office, hoping to hear good news that Shuichi is alive and well and available to come to the aid of Eiri - I know that he would forgive him if he did kill some whore. He would probably forgive him if Eiri did kill him. I could understand that kind of devotion.

I make my excuses as I enter the office again, bowing out of the meeting with the words "family emergency" on my lips. My company can handle itself for the day without me. I had to get to Eiri.

I had to find out if I could help him out of this mess or if this would be the last time I'd ever see him freely. I know my limitations as cleaner, and I know that I cannot exceed them. Not even for my beloved brother in law.

* * *

yup. we're moving along and i still feel like being evil. :)


	3. Chapter 3

Bridge of Lost Dreams  
Chapter Three  
27. December. 2010  
l2set

notes: yeah. i know where this is going to an extent. it's a strange journey down my rabbit hole head. this chapter is really fucked up in my opinion.

also, before i fail to mention it - Thank you for the reviews. :D they do mean quite a bit to me and i appreciate the thoughts. and no crying. I promise if this story ends up being too sad, i will rebut with my smoking arc that i have sitting around for a raining day.

And, because i think this will explain a lot, i spent a lot of time originally writing this story to Red House Painters - Retrospective Disc I & Red House Painters I [Rollercoaster] (Michael, Medicine Bottle and Down Through) as well as some Elliott Smith - XO and Either/Or and ended up editing it and rewriting it to Coldplay's Vida La Viva/Or Death and all His Friends.

yeah, my head is in that place.

& not beta'd, all mistakes are my own.

enjoy.

* * *

I always forget that he isn't really human. That he is merely a hollow tent of skin, held by bones that have no place being in that body. Bones that crush, bones that don't discriminate between good or evil. The very bones that I wish would hold me closer than they ever have, than they ever will. The same skin-covered bones that pull at Shuichi close at night, the bones that tease me ever so easily.

I _yearn_ for those bones.

It's the bones that made me love him. Not the gaze, the golden hair and certainly not his dastardly devil-may-care smile. Who needs any of that superfluous shit when he has such bones trapped within him. The soft skin, his disgustedly gentle voice. Oh, but no one has bones like he does; they hold his marrow, the very meat of him. I yearn for those bones.

I heard that he killed his lover. That he killed a beggar, a whore. That he lost his mind again and again; I've always known he's never really had a mind- to begin with, how could anything that cold and calculating have the same kind of mind like any of us? No one can understand that - no one but us. It's always been him and me and sometimes Mika. But she merely got in the way, we had to be rid of her, we gave her to Tohma.

Now it is Shuichi who is in the way, but there is no one to buy him off of our hands. No one to take him from this strange two-sided triangle that we have, that he has no business being part of anyway. He doesn't realize that Eiri is mine.

Eiri has always been mine; I've protected him all these years. _I'm_ the one who loved him and gave him that feeling. Even though they all think that Eiri abandoned me, I know it's not true. I had to let him go, he could have never stood by Father's side as I have. It was another way of protecting him and he goes and he betrays me - he falls into the arms of another.

Shuichi's bones are useless to me, their weight is large and all encompassing but in the heart of my heart, they mean nothing to me. Those bones are viewed to be perfection, not containing the err of man; I know that they are flawed. Those bones will betray and when they do, I will be ready to recapture Eiri's bones within mine. I will be there for him, for his bones.

I heard that he lost his mind again and again. Perhaps though, it is the others who have lost something and they look upon him with judging eyes, only seeing their reflection of their loss in him. I have never known my older brother to be lost, he has always known just what, just when, just how to make everything right. I know this. He knows this and Tohma too. We must get rid of the lover.

_The Lover._

I've got a joke I've been dying to tell Eiri, he won't appreciate the punch line. I know him better than anyone gives me credit for and I know he won't find it funny when it comes to blows. I trust myself to know him, to know all of his secrets. I do not trust myself to know my own truths, for that I only I tell lies. That is all my mouth is capable of delivering.

There it is, there lies the bridge of our lost dreams. I want to see it once more before I leave. I must make my way from this land, I want to lay with my love's ghost white body before I go. My dreams are so shattered and so grotesquely out of place in this world. I know that they will never come true but I can always try for that, right?

When will they realize that it was I who sent the fool to his death by the hands of my brother? We must get rid of the lover, he will only betray the sun. The moon waits so quietly, whispering to the earth asking her to come away with him. The sun is betrayed and will no longer shine.

The sun must always shine. I heard that he lost his mind again and again. Nothing is sacred, nothing is mine anymore. Where did he go? How could he have left me? How could he have been blinded by that moonshine - _it takes its brightness from the sun!_ All he does is steal, steal and steal - taking what is and never will be rightfully his.

My brother was mine first and I intend on getting him back, no matter the cost. No matter if that cost will take Eiri farther away from me because I know that he will not trust another, he will not be betraying me again. He will come back to me, the one that has always protected him. I took it all for him. This temple, the place beside our father, gave up my dreams. No other would ever, could ever sacrifice as I have, could know what it is like to love him.

I wonder if his bones snap like all the others? I don't recall him ever having a broken but it pains me that I do not know if it sounds the same. Does the snapping of his bones sound like someone biting into a crisp apple? That satisfying crunch as the skin is broken and teeth are embedded in the meat of that fruit? Could his bones even be broken by force or luck?

I want his bones. Not even the man they carry sometimes, just the bones. I want to taste them, gnaw at them and suck out their marrow. I want to absorb him into my system, force him to be even more part of me than he is now. We only share slight instances of DNA; I want to become him. I want to meld with his bones and be closer to him than anyone else has ever dreamed.

Eiri was my first love, before I even knew what love was. All I knew when I looked in his eyes, that I wanted to be there forever. I wanted to drown in that blue a color so perfect that I thought he would be punished by some god for upstaging them. I loved him before I knew that I was even capable of love.

All the others that I have had, tried to love were useless replacements, no one can match his wit, his charm and those bones. So strong, so amazing. So. Fucking. Unimaginable. Trying to describe this feeling that I get is so impossible, it's like drowning and flying and breathing fire all at the same time. It's completely intangible. So incomprehensible and yet I pray to find the words that make it possible for all to understand.

It doesn't matter now. The Lover is dead and soon, soon Eiri will come home to me again.

* * *

yeah, i know. Wtf, homie? don't worry, this will all be explained, slowly. I think. we're have some issues. tatshua's voice is a bit different from the first time i wrote this story and i'm not sure if this will end the way i intend it - i think i'm finding another path to walk here and it's going to be amazing.

more to come.


	4. Chapter 4

The Bridge of Lost Dreams  
Chapter Four  
5. September. 2011  
l2set

notes: sorry about the wait. but, this chapter is about to clear some stuff up. i hope it's awesome for y'all.

not beta'd.

* * *

My love, a murderer with a smoldering gaze; a look upon his face like the stars shining in heaven shining on me. They don't understand why I stay, why I allow myself to be put in such a position. How do I hold his body close to me, knowing the wrongs and evils it has done during the day? How do I keep a smile upon my face, understanding the extent of his ways?

Maybe it is a cliche, but my love has no boundries with him. He can do no wrong in my eyes. I am faithful and will stand by him no matter what. No matter what he does. Who he kills. Who he betrays, even if it is I. Or his brother. Or his father. Or even himself. It might also be cliche but they do not know him like I do; they never will.

The attraction is in the fact that he does this. That he is not faithful to me or anyone else. I do not want to change him, I merely want to revel in him. I do believe that is why he keeps me. Unlike so many others, I merely wanted to know his past so I could better understand who he is today. Unlike so many others who wish to mold him back into the man he once was or could've been. He would not be the same if he was different, even if that doesn't make sense. I don't think I could fall in love with anyone else but this man that he is.

So many rumors today that he killed me. A beggar. A shadow of himself. He has done no such thing. He merely became angry. He merely fought for my honor. How dare they think that I would allow Yuki to kill anyone, even me without a fight. Do they believe me to be so weak without him? I may be devoted, but I have not yet completely lost my mind. My faith in my friends, my keepers and humanity sometimes causes me to falter. Letting Yuki kill me would be nothing more than assisted suicide, something that everyone should know I would never do. I have too much to live for now, even more now.

"Everything is fine Tohma." He looks so relieved; the wrinkles in his eyes lifted, making seem so much younger. So many years he has been waiting for news of Yuki striking again. So many years he has wanted to be proved wrong, and now he has been. "He forgot to take some medication. It was a really bad thing . . . the man got to close to me. He went a bit too far."

"He is okay?" I nod, not really knowing if Tohma is asking about Yuki or the victim. I hope it is the former; the victim has no buisness getting any sympathy. "Good. Good. I will get it all cleaned up. No one will have to know."

"Thank you," I whisper and draw Tohma into a hug; I can tell he is shocked, but I do not care. He is going to right a wrong and make it all better. We may not have the best relationship, but for once I truely appericate this man's power. "Yuki wants to see you too, I think."

"I can't. You take care of him. Let me finish my job," He tells me and slips a card into my hand, pulling away from my hold; I know that he wants to see Yuki, I can see it in his eyes. "Meet me there for dinner tonight. Eiri knows where it is. I have some things to do, so I may be late."

"Check on Tatshua. He called, earlier, all excited like. I think . . . I think he knows something." Tohma gives me a curt nod and leaves. I shut the door and shuffle into the bed room. I hope that Tatshua isn't involved with this, but I know better than to withold information from Tohma. He can't make things right without knowing and if he doesn't know he will find out. No one wants to be the one with holding information from the Boss.

I follow Tohma's order and go back to Yuki, locking the door behind me and I head the bedroom; he's all ready waiting for me in bed. I wrap myself around Yuki's naked body. I place my head under his chin and his arms engulf me in a rugged hug. He is angry at himself. At the man. At me. At everything and nothing. And strangely enough, Tohma. I can only understand his reasoning so far. After a certain distance, I simply refuse to follow it.

"Thank you," I tell him and Yuki snorts; he rolls over on top me of me. I welcome his warm weight. "Tohma wants us to meet him for dinner. He's worried and very willing to make this shit go away. I think we owe him."

"Of course. But first, you owe me. I saved you from a rapist." I look into his face and his devilish grin is there. I pull away, shrieking, attempting to run away without success; I doubt I will be able to walk tonight.

* * *

End Chapter Four

Oh yeah, that just happened. Next we get to learn about drug use and other problems.


	5. Chapter 5

**The Bridge of Lost Dreams  
**Chapter Five  
20. December. 2011  
l2set

* * *

The skies have never looked so bleak as they do right now; he's still happily nestled in his lover's arms, the arms that I long to have wrapped around me. I ache for him, I yearn for him as the dusk yearns to meet the dawn. I would rather go blind than see them together. I wish things had never changed, never twisted around in such ways that made me fall in love with my brother, that I would have never been given this duty in his wake.

I believe that Shuichi would have loved Eiri no matter what the circumstances. If Eiri had been born with dark hair and eyes, even if he kept is happy-go-lucky personalty, Shu would have still fallen as hard as he did. There would have been no meeting of the two though in that time line; nary a passing glance as Eiri walked passed him the park, wrapped up in Ayaka. Shuichi would've taken a deep breath and be forced to let it go; Eiri would do as father expected and married that beautiful girl and taken care of the Temple.

I would have never been called to take the place of the first son, I would have been free of this shit and I would have never looked back. Maybe I could have had Shuichi; that sweet succulent boy. Maybe I could have been free of the illusion of my brother; I love him in so many ways, I need him in my life. I need him in ways that I can't even describe, but that little bitch keeps taking him away.

Eiri is everything that I want to be. He doesn't give about anyone, not even Shu really. I want to be able to dismiss people as if they are nothing, to tell my father 'no' for once in my life. I have to be the good son, I have to do what is expected me. I am expected to take the place of the failed prodigy, the disappointment. What was now expected of Eiri, now?

I live to disappoint. I live to fail as others have failed before me; I am here to take the place of my older brother, the creature that failed everyone and still ended up triumphant. I live to follow his footsteps, and so, I will do as needed by me. I will do as expected. I have always done as expected, always performed my duties as to not upset anyone. I have always done what the others wanted me to do, now I shall do for myself.

I hold jagged glass above my flesh, all I can do is smile. They thought I would do it, thought I could do it, follow in my father's footsteps; take Eiri's rightful place. That I could be, that I would be, happy in this life. A life that doesn't even belong to me. What more could I ever want? What tears for I have to shed for myself?

I know who comes softly knocking on my door; I have upset the master, the architect, the poet . . . the man of every hour. He will be here soon, tonight. He will find me, and he will know what I have done. He will know that I have disappointed everyone, seeing my body slain by my own hand, the blood staining this perfect wooden floor. The imperfections here forever; what a shame, what a shame.

I will ruin but a day in the lives of these people. I have been estranged from all of them for so long. They say everyone cares, everyone understands - what bullshit. I am the only one who knows,the only one who can make myself better, who cleanses myself from the evils of my prison. The darkness that surrounds me. I have imagined it, Eiri's ghost white body making love to me. It is an image I hold dear, but now I must continue my journey, the journey I must complete alone. I cannot stay here any longer, this plane can no longer contain me and my desires. I was not made to follow the laws of this land. I have seen the bridge of our lost dreams, pain waits for me there. This glass can cut through my skin and veins and leaves me painless.

Maybe_ this_ is my only purpose.

* * *

end

i'm slightly disappointed in this chapter. i hope the next will be better.


	6. Chapter 6

**The Bridge of Lost Dreams  
**Chapter Six  
13. January. 2012  
l2set

notes: here is. and i get to play in the sandbox with my favorite gravi character. not beta'd.  
Enjoy.

* * *

I knocked the door at one past midnight. I could hear the silence permeating from the room. I knew that was nothing but trouble on the other side of the door. I knocked again, if only to calm my own nerves at what I was about to do; still no answer. I tried the handle and no success. I would have no choice but break in the building.

I found his body on the floor, crumbled in a mess of blood and flesh. I was dialing the phone and checking for a pulse at the same time. I was giving details to the hospital, telling them that they had to hurry and attempting to stop the blood flow.

They found me in the pool of blood beside him, crying. They had to pry me off of him, checking me as well for wounds. I screamed, telling them that he had to live. He had to live, other people were dependent upon that very fact; they carted me off to the hospital with him.

* * *

I woke up abruptly, frantically searching to a clue to where I was. I spotted Tatshua, pale and small on a hospital bed, tubes coming out of him and machines busily beeping away as they fought to keep him alive. My body ached from sleeping upright in a chair all night.

I took one last look at him and slipped out into the hall. I find my way to the nurses station to get information on Tatshua's condition and make my way to the outside world. It is only when I see the reactions of the nurses that I realize I am still covered in his blood. I thanked them for their time and leave the hospital; I will worry about myself after this situation is finished.

Seguchi answers after two rings. I update him about the status and he tells me to clean up and get back to the little brother. He will take care of everything at home, he will keep the wolves at bay. It is my job to keep Tatshua alive, to keep him going before he lets go again.

I find my way to a hotel and have new clothes brought to me. I return to the hospital with food, drink and a book to keep me company as I wait for him to wake from his "coma-like state", whatever that means. I will be here when his eyes open again, and I will revel in being the one he hates in the moment.

* * *

"I hate you." I almost don't hear the words come from him, his voice cracked and quiet, a dry quality laced throughout. "I really hate you."

"I know," I reply, getting a straw and a glass of water. I offer it to him and he doesn't refuse. It's useless; they will only force food and fluid into him by IV. "They don't know about this, you know."

"Of course not, _He_ has it all sorted, right?" There is venom in his tone, still quiet though. He sips the water gently, a small smile gracing his features as he swallows.

"He does like to be the peacekeeper."

"Funny enough, he usually starts the war." I smile at that, knowing that the boy is correct. It's easier to clean up messes that you start, rather than picking up after others. Tatshua was a being a persistent problem for Seguchi, a problem that he couldn't rightly take care of anymore. "So, why did he send you?"

I smile at that and tilt my head, looking at Tatshua, so small and pale in the bed. He has no idea what he could have done, what he is still doing to the family, to Seguchi and I couldn't have him giving distractions to him. Tohma-san needed to be focused now, he didn't have time for these things, the very things that were my specialty.

"I don't know, probably thinks I will enjoy the work, being away from the studio and such," I tell him. He nods, just a little doubt colours his eyes; I sigh and lean forward. "Get some sleep, soon this will be over and we will get you home."

"I'll do it again!" He tries to shout, his voice rising but not quite making it.

"Then I will have you committed, you do realize that I have the power of attorney at this very moment - no one has the power to change that but me while you are in this state, mentally unstable," I growl at him and fears glows in his eyes.

"Fine." He turns his head and closes his eyes; he doesn't want to talk anymore, and I don't blame him, there isn't anything left to say. Either he will do what I say or he will be committed and I know that he doesn't want to bring that much shame to his family. Suicide is one thing, but being hospitalized? That would bring a scandal even larger than the ones that Yuki-san couldn't make a reality.

I lean back in my chair and wait.

* * *

End chapter six.

Sorry these take me so long to update, sometimes I am just not feeling it & i've been having some problems at home, so I am currently searching out new places to live, hopefully once I leave the problem and the tension, my muses will come back to play they are a little scared to be caught hanging out with me nowadays.

Thanks for sticking with me!


	7. Chapter 7

**Bridge of Lost Dreams  
** Chapter Seven  
Sept 12 2013  
l2set

notes: hey girls. hey boys. hey others. it has been awhile. lots of things in my life have changed. been through two apartments. have a partner in life. new job. just trying to make things better right now, and i think i'm back in a place to update this story.

* * *

The water is warm as it caresses my body, lapping gently with every breath I take. There is a slight chill in the room, as the air wafts softly through the open window. I watch as it tugs of the tendrils of smoke floating through the air from my cigarette; the room has a soft haze from the steam of the bath water.

I take in a long drag, relishing burn in the back of my throat, I hold it in as long as I can, only exhaling when my body loses its will power and fights to live. I hold back on coughing, not wanting to look weak, not even in this moment. This moment that is so unreal to me. Not a week ago I was laying on the floor in a pool of my own blood. And now they let me bath by myself.

I inhale again, revealing in the taste of smoke and tobacco. I close my eyes and sink in a bit more to the bath. It could be hotter, but I know that it would be too much to ask for at this time. A cooler breeze blows through the open window and it carries a soft laugh. I sigh, and lift myself out of the water. I suppose it is time to make nice with the rest of the world.

I wrap up in a large towel and make my way out into the hall, my cigarette dangling in my hands, at my side. I follow the sound of laughing and prepare for the onslaught of apologies, questions and grumbling from everyone outside. I know that they are going to pretend that my attempt at suicide was not a big deal and that my failure in it is nothing to be ashamed of; I snort and step out into the garden.

"Tatshua!" Shuichi screams, bouncing towards me. I hear Eiri grumble just a bit at him, but he doesn't attempt to follow or scold. I soon have arms wrapped around me in a hug, surprised that Shuichi has gotten so tall. "I am so glad that you are okay."

"Thanks," I reply, returning the hug. It irks that all my planning failed and that he is still alive. Maybe it is really he who is not human, maybe it is Eiri who has been entranced by this sprite. I pat Shuichi's back and I want to say that I am sorry for trying to get Eiri to murder him. That I am sorry that I still want him to be away from my brother. That I am sorry that we work at this together.

"It's okay, Tatshua. I understand, Eiri is the sun and we are all captured if we look too long and you have looked the longest," he whispers into my ear, releasing his hold. He bows his head a little and takes my hand; he pulls me towards the others.

"You couldn't even be bothered to put on clothes?" Eiri scolds. Shuichi just smacks him a bit and motions that I should take a seat next to him. I notice at that point that everyone is here.

"So, is this an intervention?" I ask, smirking. No one but Shuichi looks happy but I doubt that there is much that he cannot find joy in.

"No. We wanted to make sure that you were alive. And that you never do that stupid shit again, do you know how many deadlines I have missed because of you? You are so stupid," Eiri tells me; he takes a drag of his own cigarette and it prompts me to finish mine.

"You never make deadlines anyway," I shot back, puffing smoke at his face. He's so close that I can almost taste him, I can smell his distinct aftershave and parts of Shuichi all over him. It makes me ache. It makes me wish that I was successful in my endeavor.

"Well, Tatshua what we are here for is to take you home with us, we have been talking and think that maybe you are too isolated here -" Tohma starts, I throw up my hand to stop him.

"What will the old man think?" I ask, but I all ready know that what the old man thinks. He thinks that I brought shame and disgrace upon our name. He thinks that I am unfit for son. The only good son he has left is Mika and she cannot lend her family name.

"He thinks that it would be best for you to get your head together. Eiri has agreed to spend some time here to make sure things are going well with your father, until you get your head together." Code words for: he never wants you back and you have no choice.

"When does he want me gone?"

"Tonight. We have all ready packed your stuff," Mika finally chimes in, her own brand of superiority shining through; I guess that is something that all of share in this family. We are all better than one another I guess. "We don't have a lot of time. Tohma has meetings tomorrow, you and I are going to get you a job tomorrow and Eiri and Shuichi need to get settled in and talk to dad." Mika stands and that means that I should follow.

I don't want to leave Eiri yet. I have barely seen him in these two years and I miss him. I ache for him, and I don't want to depart from him - not now. Not after everything. I know that he doesn't want to see me and that the only forgiveness I will get for all of this is from Shuichi and that has all ready happened. He will not tell me again.

Mika urges me with just a look and I stand up, my sight lingering on Eiri. There is a cigarette is dangling from his lips and while his face is forward and blank, his eyes are angled towards Shuichi; it is subtle and probably only the people in this garden would know to look for it. I continue to stare at Eiri as I follow Mika to my room, like a lost puppy who should know where he is but doesn't.

"Tohma is just trying to get a handle of this. You have made a lot of things difficult - if you would've have come to us sooner," Mika trails off. She stops in my doorway and turns to me. "I don't know what we would have done if we had lost you. I know that we don't show it much - we are all terrible at this, except maybe Shuichi but he as the advantage of not being a direct relative. But we really do not want to lose you."

"Mika -" I start. She puts her hand up.

"You don't understand. We cannot lose you. This family is not cursed, we will not fall to something as silly as another indiscretion." I want to laugh at that. Suicide is an indiscretion in this family. Wanting to kill your brother's lover is an indiscretion in this family. I wonder if Tohma told why I did the things I did?

"Just an indiscretion?"

"Shuichi is willing to forgive you for everything, the rest of us are willing to forget." I nod and walk past her into my room; I drop my towel and get changed, ready for my new life.

* * *

end chapter seven

there are probably more chapters to come, but i have no idea when. all mistakes are mine as this is not beta'd. please review!


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